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Tag Archives: doomsday 2012
A Gift for the Last Holiday Season Ever
Filed under Uncategorized
Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake
If 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide.
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.
Filed under Cults
Resurrection Day Self-Rising Chocolate Cake
It’s Easter time and that means dead folks are crawling out of caves and graves and all the other cubbies to which people skulk off and die. Now, if Jesus can come back all luminous and GQ after a being nailed to a cross, what’s stopping trillions of other corpses from clawing themselves out of maggotry to visit retribution upon us all? Like Jesus, these other judgmental, pulse-envy second-chancers will be reviewing our lifestyles for infractions such as Buddhism and cross-dressing, so eat your Easter Peep-laden cakes now before these decomposed finger-pointers overtake our world with the stench of moral rectitude.
Ingredients
1 stick of butter
1 c. sugar
4 eggs
1 c. self-rising flour
16 oz. can chocolate syrup
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. chopped nuts
4 oz. jar marshmallows
Directions
Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Blend in flour and chocolate syrup. Add vanilla and nuts. Bake in greased and floured 10 x 15 x 2 inch pan at 350 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes and leave in pan. While still warm, spread marshmallow cream. Spread with frosting immediately. 15 to 24 servings.
Filed under Judgment
Sodom and Gomorrah Fruitcake
With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.
Ingredients
1 Osem kosher walnut cake
1 box of Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices
Directions
The special thing about this fruit cake is that you can eat it year-round — not just for Christmas. In fact, I made mine with all-kosher ingredients for Passover. Just dice your Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices and insert them in to a yummy kosher walnut cake. After that, you can put whatever you want into it.
Filed under Divine Geographic Leveling
Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake
The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” [MP3]What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?
Cake Ingredients
½ cup shortening
1 ½ cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar
Frosting Ingredients
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
Some vanilla extract
Directions
Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting. Eat and enjoy the pleasant weather.
For the frosting, p.s., mix the butter, powdered sugar and cream cheese until it looks like frosting. Put it all over the cake, making little craters for your pools of blood.
Filed under The Plagues