Tag Archives: doomsday 2012

A Gift for the Last Holiday Season Ever

THE TIME 2 BAKE IS NOW

Do you love the holidays? Do you love shopping for the last holiday season ever? Fantastic. Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End, is the book for you. Including 30 recipes for treats such as BP Oil Black Bottom Cake, Toxic Waste Dump Cake, Global Warming Hot Apple Pie and other delights, this diabetic tomb is available on Amazon.com until we all drown in an epic sea of warm trash.

Get your copy here, now.

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Martha Stewart’s Spring Apocalypse Calendar

Martha Stewart approached Apocalypse Cakes worried that she was not doing enough to prepare for the End Times. She was so delighted with our doomsday prep suggestions that she published her new Spring Apocalypse Calendar in the April issue of MARTHA STEWART LIVING. Click the image (or here) to view her entire schedule.

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Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake


Jim Jones can helpIf 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

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Fallen Angel Food Cake

The Rapture Vacuum

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Fallen Angel Food Cake

Ingredients
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.

 

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Resurrection Day Self-Rising Chocolate Cake

Jesus from the cave-graveIt’s Easter time and that means dead folks are crawling out of caves and graves and all the other cubbies to which people skulk off and die. Now, if Jesus can come back all luminous and GQ after a being nailed to a cross, what’s stopping trillions of other corpses from clawing themselves out of maggotry to visit retribution upon us all? Like Jesus, these other judgmental, pulse-envy second-chancers will be reviewing our lifestyles for infractions such as Buddhism and cross-dressing, so eat your Easter Peep-laden cakes now before these decomposed finger-pointers overtake our world with the stench of moral rectitude.

Resurrection Day Self-rising Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

1 stick of butter

1 c. sugar

4 eggs

1 c. self-rising flour

16 oz. can chocolate syrup

1 tsp. vanilla

1 c. chopped nuts

4 oz. jar marshmallows

 

Directions

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Blend in flour and chocolate syrup. Add vanilla and nuts. Bake in greased and floured 10 x 15 x 2 inch pan at 350 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes and leave in pan. While still warm, spread marshmallow cream. Spread with frosting immediately. 15 to 24 servings. 



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Sodom and Gomorrah Fruitcake

Life in Sodom can't be beat.With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.



Ingredients
1 Osem kosher walnut cake
1 box of Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices

Directions
The special thing about this fruit cake is that you can eat it year-round — not just for Christmas. In fact, I made mine with all-kosher ingredients for Passover. Just dice your Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices and insert them in to a yummy kosher walnut cake. After that, you can put whatever you want into it.

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Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake

Blood Birdie

The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged  sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” [MP3]What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?

My First Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake
Cake Ingredients
½ cup shortening
1 ½ cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar

Frosting Ingredients
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
Some vanilla extract

Directions
Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting. Eat and enjoy the pleasant weather.

For the frosting, p.s., mix the butter, powdered sugar and cream cheese until it looks like frosting. Put it all over the cake, making little craters for your pools of blood.

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