Tag Archives: 2012 apocalypse

Gay Wedding Cake

 Now that our godless politicians are letting the homosexuals have their “marriages,” our children’s eyes will burn out of their skulls, upstanding heterosexuals will start making love to their golden retrievers and the Earth will explode into pink globules of KY Jelly — all to the soundtrack of RENT. And with every semblance of civil society gone and the police debauched into actual, non-ironic leather daddies, you’ll want to barricade your homes to protect yourself from those crazy, married gay leatherfolk whose reason for living is to force you to form a holy union with your parrot. Start planning your Gay Wedding Cake today — you don’t have much time left before everyone’s allowed to have health insurance and the whole planet turns into that vortex of barbarism called Massachusetts.

Ingredients
Cake stolen from straight wedding
Mini-leather daddies (this is what all gays look like underneath their clothes)

Directions
Go to a straight wedding. When everyone is drunk playing that sexy garter-belt game go steal the cake, being careful not to lose the little hetero-figures on the top. Bring the cake home and put some gay dolls on it — the more your dolls look like the people Focus on the Family are afraid of, the better — and ceremoniously remove the straight figurines from their rightful place. All the people who see your cake will shake their heads and wonder where the poor breeders went. Then they’ll think, “those wholesome man and wife dolls have been deprived of the life God intended for them.”

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City-by-City May 21 Apocalypse Forecast Facebook Q&A

Get May 21 your Apocalypse Forecast!Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!

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Get your town’s forecast.

Click on the big “F.”

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Filed under Judgment, Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake*

Bearing in mind how lazy the poor are, with their “I lost my job-this” and “the bank foreclosed on my trailer-that,” the indigence of Motor City is sure to infect the entire civilized world one zip code at a time. And if you doubt that the decomposing asbestos-crypt of Detroit is a bellwether for the rest of the world, wait ‘till you run into an ex-GM employee with his attendant eye crusties lurching down your street pushing an aluminum-can-filled K-Mart cart. Better go in with your neighborhood association ladies and pick up the ingredients for a Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake now before the homeless seize control of your sub-development and start using your taxes for Wonder Bread and MD 20/20.

* This is actually a “stollen” but that seemed too fancy.

Ingredients
 1 orange rind, grated
1/2 c. cut dates
1/4 c. candied fruit
1/2 c. seedless raisins
1 c. shortening
1 1/4 tsp. salt
2 eggs
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. milk, lukewarm
4 c. flour
2 pkgs. yeast
1 tsp. sugar
1/2 c. warm water

Directions
Combine yeast, 1 tsp. sugar and warm water. Cream shortening, sugar and eggs. Add yeast mixture. Add milk and flour alternately, beating well with each addition. Lightly flour fruits and knead into dough. Transfer to large greased bowl, cover and place in refrigerator overnight. Next day, divide dough in half, roll each on floured board into a rectangle 3/4 inch thick. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle with brown sugar and chopped nuts. Fold one long edge into center and then fold other side over this, overlapping by about 2″. Place on ungreased shallow pan or cookie sheet (cover with cloth) and allow to rise 2 hrs. Bake 30-40 min. at 350 degrees. When cool, ice with white frosting and eat before pestilence overtakes your community.

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Filed under New World Orders

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake


Jim Jones can helpIf 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

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Filed under Cults

Leviticus’ “I Told You So” Aporkalypse Pie

Leviticus in print

God warned you not to eat swine flesh, and look where all those bacon tacos have gotten you. In an age of fatty foods, when people feed chickens chicken and then fry the chicken in hair spray, we willfully court sin and clogged arteries. We’ve finally gotten our hands on Leviticus’s mom’s “I Told You So” AporkaIypse Bacon and Apple Pie recipe just in time to tempt you during another animal pandemic. And while Matthew implores us not to throw our pearls before swine, here at Apocalypse Cakes we prefer to fry our swine and eat our pearls, too, which is why we’ve added dollops of whipped heavy cream to an already deathly dish.

Leviticus' "I Told You So" Aporkalypse Pie

Ingredients
Topping:
1 granny smith apple, decoratively chopped
1 syringe of H1NI vaccine
1 can whipped cream
1 pack uppity bacon

Crust:
1 1/4 cups white flour
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. salt
1/4 cup cold butter
broken into small pieces
2 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
4 tbsp. ice water

Filling:
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine

Directions
Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together. Flatten into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out the disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.)

Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples, saving some for the decorative topping. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with raw latticed bacon. Bake for 40 minutes; check the World Health Organization site to see how much time you have before the swine flu reaches your house and you start vomiting pig blood.

[Title and introduction by Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest winner, images and recipe by Apocalypse Cakes.]

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Filed under Contests, Pandemics

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Fallen Angel Food Cake

The Rapture Vacuum

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Fallen Angel Food Cake

Ingredients
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.

 

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Filed under Judgment