As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.
With all the bathroom-buggering politicians crushing already starved countries with embargoes, military interventions and corrupt aid distributions, your nation is surely next to become so destitute that all you have to eat are cakes made of mud. Fortunately, we’ve developed a tastier version of this type of dessert for your pre-poverty palate. In fact, you’ll relish its flavor for as many years as it will take for anyone to notice that you’ve been eating dirt for decades. So celebrate life now and try one of these organic Seismic Haitian Mud Cakes before the “First World” uses its foreign policy to starve you in the name of democracy, privatization, SUVs and Viagra® — you never know how long it will take for a disaster to strike that will guilt the international community into finally bringing you a meal.
5 lbs. dirt
3 Tbsp. salt
1 cup vegetable shortening
Put your dirt into a strainer (or whatever’s available) and hold it over a pot. Then run water (or whatever’s available) through the strainer to extract the rocks, etc. Mix in the shortening and the salt. Then pat the mixture into a cake and leave it to dry under the scorching sun. The cake will be ready to eat after 12 hours, after which time you can decorate it with whatever happens to be around.
Considering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.
30 medjool dates
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour or maida
1/2 cup oil
1 tea spn baking soda
½ cup walnuts
The day before you want to bake, soak 18 dates in warm milk overnight. The next day, remove the seeds and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. With the dates still in the milk, use a fork to grind them into a smooth paste. Add oil and mix. Sieve together flour and baking soda. Add the flour, one tablespoon at a time, and mix slowly. Bake the cake in a greased, oven- proof dish for 35-40 min. Sprinkle walnuts on top and adhere the remaining 12, de-seeded dates to the side of the cake.
The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” [MP3]What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?
½ cup shortening
1 ½ cups sugar
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
Some vanilla extract
Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting. Eat and enjoy the pleasant weather.
For the frosting, p.s., mix the butter, powdered sugar and cream cheese until it looks like frosting. Put it all over the cake, making little craters for your pools of blood.