Tag Archives: cake recipe

President Santorum Frothy Chocolate Cream Pie

As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.

delish

Ingredients
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed

Directions
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.

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Filed under Judgment, New World Orders

Economic Collapse Crumb Cake

With the fat, rich captains of industry wiping their asses with your mortgage and private- jetting to St. Tropez as the country festers into a third world cesspool, you’re bound to die of starvation tomorrow. These richest 10 percent of Americans control two-thirds of America’s net worth, and that means you’ll waste away with cancer with no healthcare and only donated Lunchables to eat. On your deathbed, you’ll wish you had moved Iran, Nigeria or Turkey, where income inequality isn’t as big a problem. Best to try some Economic Collapse Crumb Cake today before the government throws you under the bus for some Cuban cigars and private golf club memberships.

Ingredients
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 pound (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 pinch salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg, lightly beaten

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 7×11-inch baking pan. Combine sugar, flour and butter. Use a fork to cut butter in until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Set aside 1/2 cup of this mixture to use as topping. To the remaining flour mixture, add cinnamon, cloves, baking soda and salt. Lightly stir in the buttermilk and egg. Pour batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle cake with reserved topping. Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into center of the cake comes out clean. Call your broker and tell her to have all your assets converted to cake.

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Filed under Graft Usury Etc, New World Orders

City-by-City May 21 Apocalypse Forecast Facebook Q&A

Get May 21 your Apocalypse Forecast!Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!

Click!

Get your town’s forecast.

Click on the big “F.”

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Filed under Judgment, Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

“Inexplicable” Blackbird Pie

Hark! As foretold in the Book of Revelation, The Lord’s Aviary of Retribution has burst forth and festooned our cul-de-sacs with its decorative corpses. The dead birds are part of a menu of surf and turf — fish, crabs, blood, frogs, Craisins® — whose descent signals Jesus’ return for the battle of Armageddon. But we’ve ignored the scriptures, having instead whitewashed the avian holocaust’s prophetic message with scientific explanations. And for this infraction, the Almighty will command legions of righteous grackles to tear through your ceilings into your godless homes, splattering their diseased bird gore onto every inch of your Pottery Barn-ed, paganscaped estates. Best to gorge on some “Inexplicable” Blackbird Pie today before you suffocate under a festering pile of feathered carcasses.

Ingredients
Any type of pie with slime inside
1 nasty little gore-stuffed synthetic blackbird

Directions
Drive to the suburbs with your pies and birds. Insert birds into pies. Drop pies from sky, creating a decorative splatter pattern for the neighbors to see. Invite everyone out for dessert.

9 Comments

Filed under Judgment

CONTEST! Name the BP Oil Gusher Cake, Win Chocolate Wildlife!

Will you name the BP oil gusher cake? S/he who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes oil gusher dessert will get a delicious specimen of endangered chocolate wildlife, Internet fame and a set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards. To enter, follow these two easy steps:

1. E-mail your oil gusher cake title, name and mailing address to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com. One entry per person.

2. Write “Oil Gusher Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.

The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Saturday, July 31st, 2010. The winner will be notified via e-mail and announced here at Apocalypse Cakes. Want to see the evil of our previous “Name the Swine Flu Cake” contest? Check out Sharif Youssef’s winning entry here.

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Filed under Contests

Get Your Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards in Time for the Holidays

Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards are now on sale! Get yours now before all your friends get sucked up by god’s Christmas rapture vacuum and you’re left behind in a pool of radioactive roaches and curdled egg nog.

Buy your set now at Domy Books: 913 E. Ceasar Chavez, Austin, TX 78702.

OR, tell us you want some and we’ll see what we can do. Write to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com

Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards

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Filed under Uncategorized

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Avian Influenza A PromotionWhen the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

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Filed under Pandemics