Tag Archives: end of the world cakes

A Gift for the Last Holiday Season Ever

THE TIME 2 BAKE IS NOW

Do you love the holidays? Do you love shopping for the last holiday season ever? Fantastic. Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End, is the book for you. Including 30 recipes for treats such as BP Oil Black Bottom Cake, Toxic Waste Dump Cake, Global Warming Hot Apple Pie and other delights, this diabetic tomb is available on Amazon.com until we all drown in an epic sea of warm trash.

Get your copy here, now.

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Filed under Uncategorized

Global Jihad Date Cake

Apocalypse Cakes: Jihad BurquaConsidering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.

Apocalypse Cakes: Global Jihad Date Cake



Ingredients

30 medjool dates
3/4 cup milk

3/4 cup sugar

1 cup all-purpose flour or maida 

1/2 cup oil

1 tea spn baking soda

½ cup walnuts

Directions
The day before you want to bake, soak 18 dates in warm milk overnight. The next day, remove the seeds and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. With the dates still in the milk, use a fork to grind them into a smooth paste. Add oil and mix. Sieve together flour and baking soda. Add the flour, one tablespoon at a time, and mix slowly. Bake the cake in a greased, oven- proof dish for 35-40 min. Sprinkle walnuts on top and adhere the remaining 12, de-seeded dates to the side of the cake.

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Filed under Cults, New World Orders

Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake

Blood Birdie

The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged  sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” [MP3]What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?

My First Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake
Cake Ingredients
½ cup shortening
1 ½ cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar

Frosting Ingredients
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
Some vanilla extract

Directions
Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting. Eat and enjoy the pleasant weather.

For the frosting, p.s., mix the butter, powdered sugar and cream cheese until it looks like frosting. Put it all over the cake, making little craters for your pools of blood.

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Filed under The Plagues