Tag Archives: 2012 rapture

Gay Wedding Cake

 Now that our godless politicians are letting the homosexuals have their “marriages,” our children’s eyes will burn out of their skulls, upstanding heterosexuals will start making love to their golden retrievers and the Earth will explode into pink globules of KY Jelly — all to the soundtrack of RENT. And with every semblance of civil society gone and the police debauched into actual, non-ironic leather daddies, you’ll want to barricade your homes to protect yourself from those crazy, married gay leatherfolk whose reason for living is to force you to form a holy union with your parrot. Start planning your Gay Wedding Cake today — you don’t have much time left before everyone’s allowed to have health insurance and the whole planet turns into that vortex of barbarism called Massachusetts.

Ingredients
Cake stolen from straight wedding
Mini-leather daddies (this is what all gays look like underneath their clothes)

Directions
Go to a straight wedding. When everyone is drunk playing that sexy garter-belt game go steal the cake, being careful not to lose the little hetero-figures on the top. Bring the cake home and put some gay dolls on it — the more your dolls look like the people Focus on the Family are afraid of, the better — and ceremoniously remove the straight figurines from their rightful place. All the people who see your cake will shake their heads and wonder where the poor breeders went. Then they’ll think, “those wholesome man and wife dolls have been deprived of the life God intended for them.”

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Filed under Judgment

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake


Jim Jones can helpIf 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

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Filed under Cults

Share Your Apocalyptic Pride with Your Friends!

Become a fan of Apocalypse Cakes on Facebook.

Become a fan of Apocalypse Cakes on Facebook.

Want help compensating for your empty life with a robust online personality? Get your Apocalypse Cakes Facebook badge and slap it on your profile! Click here to become a fan of Apocalypse Cakes today.

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Filed under Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Avian Influenza A PromotionWhen the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

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Filed under Pandemics

Fallen Angel Food Cake

The Rapture Vacuum

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Fallen Angel Food Cake

Ingredients
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.

 

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Filed under Judgment

Sodom and Gomorrah Fruitcake

Life in Sodom can't be beat.With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.



Ingredients
1 Osem kosher walnut cake
1 box of Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices

Directions
The special thing about this fruit cake is that you can eat it year-round — not just for Christmas. In fact, I made mine with all-kosher ingredients for Passover. Just dice your Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices and insert them in to a yummy kosher walnut cake. After that, you can put whatever you want into it.

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Filed under Divine Geographic Leveling