Martha Stewart approached Apocalypse Cakes worried that she was not doing enough to prepare for the End Times. She was so delighted with our doomsday prep suggestions that she published her new Spring Apocalypse Calendar in the April issue of MARTHA STEWART LIVING. Click the image (or here) to view her entire schedule.
Tag Archives: the year 2012
With the fat, rich captains of industry wiping their asses with your mortgage and private- jetting to St. Tropez as the country festers into a third world cesspool, you’re bound to die of starvation tomorrow. These richest 10 percent of Americans control two-thirds of America’s net worth, and that means you’ll waste away with cancer with no healthcare and only donated Lunchables to eat. On your deathbed, you’ll wish you had moved Iran, Nigeria or Turkey, where income inequality isn’t as big a problem. Best to try some Economic Collapse Crumb Cake today before the government throws you under the bus for some Cuban cigars and private golf club memberships.
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 pound (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 pinch salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg, lightly beaten
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 7×11-inch baking pan. Combine sugar, flour and butter. Use a fork to cut butter in until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Set aside 1/2 cup of this mixture to use as topping. To the remaining flour mixture, add cinnamon, cloves, baking soda and salt. Lightly stir in the buttermilk and egg. Pour batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle cake with reserved topping. Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into center of the cake comes out clean. Call your broker and tell her to have all your assets converted to cake.
Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯ you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.
1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.
In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.
Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.
With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.
1 Osem kosher walnut cake
1 box of Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices
The special thing about this fruit cake is that you can eat it year-round — not just for Christmas. In fact, I made mine with all-kosher ingredients for Passover. Just dice your Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices and insert them in to a yummy kosher walnut cake. After that, you can put whatever you want into it.