Do you love the holidays? Do you love shopping for the last holiday season ever? Fantastic. Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End, is the book for you. Including 30 recipes for treats such as BP Oil Black Bottom Cake, Toxic Waste Dump Cake, Global Warming Hot Apple Pie and other delights, this diabetic tomb is available on Amazon.com until we all drown in an epic sea of warm trash.
Get your copy here, now.
Martha Stewart approached Apocalypse Cakes worried that she was not doing enough to prepare for the End Times. She was so delighted with our doomsday prep suggestions that she published her new Spring Apocalypse Calendar in the April issue of MARTHA STEWART LIVING. Click the image (or here) to view her entire schedule.
As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.
With the fat, rich captains of industry wiping their asses with your mortgage and private- jetting to St. Tropez as the country festers into a third world cesspool, you’re bound to die of starvation tomorrow. These richest 10 percent of Americans control two-thirds of America’s net worth, and that means you’ll waste away with cancer with no healthcare and only donated Lunchables to eat. On your deathbed, you’ll wish you had moved Iran, Nigeria or Turkey, where income inequality isn’t as big a problem. Best to try some Economic Collapse Crumb Cake today before the government throws you under the bus for some Cuban cigars and private golf club memberships.
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 pound (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 pinch salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg, lightly beaten
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 7×11-inch baking pan. Combine sugar, flour and butter. Use a fork to cut butter in until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Set aside 1/2 cup of this mixture to use as topping. To the remaining flour mixture, add cinnamon, cloves, baking soda and salt. Lightly stir in the buttermilk and egg. Pour batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle cake with reserved topping. Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into center of the cake comes out clean. Call your broker and tell her to have all your assets converted to cake.
Now that our godless politicians are letting the homosexuals have their “marriages,” our children’s eyes will burn out of their skulls, upstanding heterosexuals will start making love to their golden retrievers and the Earth will explode into pink globules of KY Jelly — all to the soundtrack of RENT. And with every semblance of civil society gone and the police debauched into actual, non-ironic leather daddies, you’ll want to barricade your homes to protect yourself from those crazy, married gay leatherfolk whose reason for living is to force you to form a holy union with your parrot. Start planning your Gay Wedding Cake today — you don’t have much time left before everyone’s allowed to have health insurance and the whole planet turns into that vortex of barbarism called Massachusetts.
Cake stolen from straight wedding
Mini-leather daddies (this is what all gays look like underneath their clothes)
Go to a straight wedding. When everyone is drunk playing that sexy garter-belt game go steal the cake, being careful not to lose the little hetero-figures on the top. Bring the cake home and put some gay dolls on it — the more your dolls look like the people Focus on the Family are afraid of, the better — and ceremoniously remove the straight figurines from their rightful place. All the people who see your cake will shake their heads and wonder where the poor breeders went. Then they’ll think, “those wholesome man and wife dolls have been deprived of the life God intended for them.”
Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!
Get your town’s forecast.
Click on the big “F.”