Tag Archives: emergency preparedness

City-by-City May 21 Apocalypse Forecast Facebook Q&A

Get May 21 your Apocalypse Forecast!Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!

Click!

Get your town’s forecast.

Click on the big “F.”

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Filed under Judgment, Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

Agent Orange Carrot Cake

Agent orange over VietnamAs the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole.

Ingredients 

4 eggs
1 ¼ c. vegetable oil
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 c. grated carrots
1 c. chopped pecans

Frosting:

½ c. butter, softened
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions 

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9×13” pan. In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots, fold in pecans. Pour all into pan. Bake for 50 min. Check the weather channel for roving toxic plume. Cool in pan for 10 min., then turn out onto a wire rack and cool. 

Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla. Beat mixture until smooth and creamy. Stir in pecans. Frost cake.

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Filed under Chemical Warfare

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Avian Influenza A PromotionWhen the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

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Filed under Pandemics

Fallen Angel Food Cake

The Rapture Vacuum

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Fallen Angel Food Cake

Ingredients
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.

 

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Filed under Judgment

Where are my cakes?

Where the cakes are coming from

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Filed under Pandemics

Sodom and Gomorrah Fruitcake

Life in Sodom can't be beat.With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.



Ingredients
1 Osem kosher walnut cake
1 box of Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices

Directions
The special thing about this fruit cake is that you can eat it year-round — not just for Christmas. In fact, I made mine with all-kosher ingredients for Passover. Just dice your Pizazz Fancy Fruit Flavored Slices and insert them in to a yummy kosher walnut cake. After that, you can put whatever you want into it.

13 Comments

Filed under Divine Geographic Leveling

Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake

Blood Birdie

The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged  sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” [MP3]What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?

My First Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake
Cake Ingredients
½ cup shortening
1 ½ cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Some red food coloring
1 teaspoon of salt
2 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla
1 cup of buttermilk
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 tablespoon of vinegar

Frosting Ingredients
1 lb. softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
2 sticks softened unsalted butter
Some vanilla extract

Directions
Cream shortening, beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix cocoa and red coloring, add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar, pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 2 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. After they cool, smear frosting on one of the cakes and put the other one on top of it. Then add more frosting. Eat and enjoy the pleasant weather.

For the frosting, p.s., mix the butter, powdered sugar and cream cheese until it looks like frosting. Put it all over the cake, making little craters for your pools of blood.

23 Comments

Filed under The Plagues