Category Archives: Pandemics

Leviticus’ “I Told You So” Aporkalypse Pie

Leviticus in print

God warned you not to eat swine flesh, and look where all those bacon tacos have gotten you. In an age of fatty foods, when people feed chickens chicken and then fry the chicken in hair spray, we willfully court sin and clogged arteries. We’ve finally gotten our hands on Leviticus’s mom’s “I Told You So” AporkaIypse Bacon and Apple Pie recipe just in time to tempt you during another animal pandemic. And while Matthew implores us not to throw our pearls before swine, here at Apocalypse Cakes we prefer to fry our swine and eat our pearls, too, which is why we’ve added dollops of whipped heavy cream to an already deathly dish.

Leviticus' "I Told You So" Aporkalypse Pie

Ingredients
Topping:
1 granny smith apple, decoratively chopped
1 syringe of H1NI vaccine
1 can whipped cream
1 pack uppity bacon

Crust:
1 1/4 cups white flour
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. salt
1/4 cup cold butter
broken into small pieces
2 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
4 tbsp. ice water

Filling:
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine

Directions
Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together. Flatten into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out the disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.)

Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples, saving some for the decorative topping. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with raw latticed bacon. Bake for 40 minutes; check the World Health Organization site to see how much time you have before the swine flu reaches your house and you start vomiting pig blood.

[Title and introduction by Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest winner, images and recipe by Apocalypse Cakes.]

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CONTEST: Name the Swine Flu Cake, Win This Chocolate Pig!

Could This be Your Chocolate Pig?

Will you name the swine flu cake?

The person who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes swine flu dessert will receive this exotic bacon-accented Vosges chocolate pig in the mail AND see his or her cake created and published in Apocalypse Cakes.  To enter, follow these steps:

1. E-mail your swine flu cake title, your name and mailing address to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com. One entry per person.

2. Write “Swine Flu Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.

The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Friday, May 22nd, 2009. The winner will be notified via e-mail and the resulting cake will be created and posted in June 2009.

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Filed under Pandemics

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Avian Influenza A PromotionWhen the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

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Where are my cakes?

Where the cakes are coming from

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Filed under Pandemics