Fallen Angel Food Cake

The Rapture Vacuum

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

1 This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Fallen Angel Food Cake

3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.



Filed under Judgment

11 responses to “Fallen Angel Food Cake

  1. Gene

    This is nothing but crap and just plain offensive. Why don’t you go escort some baby killers into that clinic you give money to. Which is what you would rather be doing but like to hide behind your blogging.

    • b-mash

      Gene has some great ideas. how can I donate to a clinic like that? Also, a “crap cake” would be cool too… wouldn’t you crap your pants when it all goes down? Let’s all show Gene some love w/ a big Crap Cake.

  2. Wow Gene sucks! Pay no heed. Great blog apocalypse cakes! Reads delicious.

  3. MO

    I think this cake is fantastic, and you are a very clever writer.

    lol @ Gene. I relate abortion and cake-making all the time!

    • VillageCharlatan

      I think that maiden angel’s blood trail is from an abortion, yes? Yum. Glad I gave them my money this year.

    • Gene

      And I won’t worry too much. Are you an eg-no-ra-mus like you sound Mo. What a dumb name.

      • MO

        lol The whole point of these cakes is to get a rile out of people. Not because they support this supposed message that offended people draw from them.

  4. Jeanne

    Simple yet elegant

  5. Erin

    Nina Garcia must of had a fit ’cause that “angel” looks like a low rent fairy to me. Tulle? bitch please!

  6. Repousse

    Great cake!
    There was a band in DC in the late 60’s-early 70’s called the Fallen Angels.
    They never ate cake this good.

  7. Hello, I can’t understand how to add your blog in my rss reader
    internet signature: http://semev.ru/

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