Tag Archives: doomsday prophesies

City-by-City May 21 Apocalypse Forecast Facebook Q&A

Get May 21 your Apocalypse Forecast!Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!

Click!

Get your town’s forecast.

Click on the big “F.”

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Filed under Judgment, Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

“Inexplicable” Blackbird Pie

Hark! As foretold in the Book of Revelation, The Lord’s Aviary of Retribution has burst forth and festooned our cul-de-sacs with its decorative corpses. The dead birds are part of a menu of surf and turf — fish, crabs, blood, frogs, Craisins® — whose descent signals Jesus’ return for the battle of Armageddon. But we’ve ignored the scriptures, having instead whitewashed the avian holocaust’s prophetic message with scientific explanations. And for this infraction, the Almighty will command legions of righteous grackles to tear through your ceilings into your godless homes, splattering their diseased bird gore onto every inch of your Pottery Barn-ed, paganscaped estates. Best to gorge on some “Inexplicable” Blackbird Pie today before you suffocate under a festering pile of feathered carcasses.

Ingredients
Any type of pie with slime inside
1 nasty little gore-stuffed synthetic blackbird

Directions
Drive to the suburbs with your pies and birds. Insert birds into pies. Drop pies from sky, creating a decorative splatter pattern for the neighbors to see. Invite everyone out for dessert.

9 Comments

Filed under Judgment

Las Vegas Woman Spews BP Oil Spill Cake Name, Wins Chocolate Endangered Species!

What better way to celebrate the Engulfed Coast than by gorging on little cream puffs bursting with artery-clogging serum? There isn’t one, and this is why we’ve oozed into the filled-pastry arena by selecting “Butaneous Profiteeroles in Drilling Disaster Sauce” as the winner of the BP Oil Spill Cake Naming Contest. And we don’t care that a profiterole isn’t a cake because profiteroles more disgusting than cakes. Ms. Gigi Generaux of Las Vegas, NV submitted the winning entry.

Congratulations Ms. Generaux!

The butaneous submission beat out other gross names such as “Smothered Turtle Pie with Dispersant Cream,” By Freddy Bowen of Philadelphia, PA, “Devil’s Crude Cake” by Shan Powell of Ontario, and over 80 others. Gigi will receive a free set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards and a chocolate endangered species mold as her prizes.

Other Honorable Mentions:

“Deep Chocolate Horizon” by Jason West of San Francisco, CA
“Gulf of FUBAR Cake” by Margie Hayes of Pensacola, FL
“Brain Pampering Impalement Arts Cake” by Juliet Cook of Valley City, OH
“Beach Party Rainbow Stain Cake” by Troy Hewitt of Aliso Viejo, CA
“Gulp of Mexico Pinata Lava Cake” by Brian Maschler of Austin, TX
“Deepwater Horizon Exploding Dark Chocolate Petro-Cake” by Kristina Felix of Austin, TX

3 Comments

Filed under Chemical Warfare, Contests, Graft Usury Etc

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake


Jim Jones can helpIf 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

19 Comments

Filed under Cults

Agent Orange Carrot Cake

Agent orange over VietnamAs the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole.

Ingredients 

4 eggs
1 ¼ c. vegetable oil
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 c. grated carrots
1 c. chopped pecans

Frosting:

½ c. butter, softened
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions 

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9×13” pan. In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots, fold in pecans. Pour all into pan. Bake for 50 min. Check the weather channel for roving toxic plume. Cool in pan for 10 min., then turn out onto a wire rack and cool. 

Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla. Beat mixture until smooth and creamy. Stir in pecans. Frost cake.

7 Comments

Filed under Chemical Warfare

CONTEST: Name the Swine Flu Cake, Win This Chocolate Pig!

Could This be Your Chocolate Pig?

Will you name the swine flu cake?

The person who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes swine flu dessert will receive this exotic bacon-accented Vosges chocolate pig in the mail AND see his or her cake created and published in Apocalypse Cakes.  To enter, follow these steps:

1. E-mail your swine flu cake title, your name and mailing address to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com. One entry per person.

2. Write “Swine Flu Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.

The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Friday, May 22nd, 2009. The winner will be notified via e-mail and the resulting cake will be created and posted in June 2009.

21 Comments

Filed under Pandemics

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Avian Influenza A PromotionWhen the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Bird Flu Feather Cake

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

1 Comment

Filed under Pandemics