Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!
Get your town’s forecast.
Click on the big “F.”
What better way to celebrate the Engulfed Coast than by gorging on little cream puffs bursting with artery-clogging serum? There isn’t one, and this is why we’ve oozed into the filled-pastry arena by selecting “Butaneous Profiteeroles in Drilling Disaster Sauce” as the winner of the BP Oil Spill Cake Naming Contest. And we don’t care that a profiterole isn’t a cake because profiteroles more disgusting than cakes. Ms. Gigi Generaux of Las Vegas, NV submitted the winning entry.
Congratulations Ms. Generaux!
The butaneous submission beat out other gross names such as “Smothered Turtle Pie with Dispersant Cream,” By Freddy Bowen of Philadelphia, PA, “Devil’s Crude Cake” by Shan Powell of Ontario, and over 80 others. Gigi will receive a free set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards and a chocolate endangered species mold as her prizes.
Other Honorable Mentions:
“Deep Chocolate Horizon” by Jason West of San Francisco, CA
“Gulf of FUBAR Cake” by Margie Hayes of Pensacola, FL
“Brain Pampering Impalement Arts Cake” by Juliet Cook of Valley City, OH
“Beach Party Rainbow Stain Cake” by Troy Hewitt of Aliso Viejo, CA
“Gulp of Mexico Pinata Lava Cake” by Brian Maschler of Austin, TX
“Deepwater Horizon Exploding Dark Chocolate Petro-Cake” by Kristina Felix of Austin, TX
Good news: it’s easy to keep your pie warm when it’s 140 degrees outside. Bad news: you’re decomposing from heat-rot. Of all possible doomsday scenarios, the one in which boiling arctic matter drowns us in its rise is the most quizzical; no one knows why it’s happening or who is to blame. Maybe we’ve created more heat by exercising since George W. Bush popularized mountain biking. Or maybe, since the Frappuccino® is now available at our local corner stores, we’re consuming more milk and thus emitting more hot farts. Who can really say? No matter what the cause, we’re sure to drown in one epic sea of warm trash. So why not indulge in some global warming hot apple pie before your face melts off and your oven floats out of your house?
2 1/2 cups white flour
2 tbsp. sugar
4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup cold butter broken into small pieces
5 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
8 tbsp. ice water
1/3 to 2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together, then cut it in half. Flatten each half into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out a disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.) Roll out the second ball of dough and cover top. Use your fingers to pinch the edges together. Cut slits in the top.
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with top crust and seal the edges. Cut slits in the top. Bake for 40 minutes — ample time to scour your house for a pool floatie.
Will you name the swine flu cake?
The person who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes swine flu dessert will receive this exotic bacon-accented Vosges chocolate pig in the mail AND see his or her cake created and published in Apocalypse Cakes. To enter, follow these steps:
1. E-mail your swine flu cake title, your name and mailing address to email@example.com. One entry per person.
2. Write “Swine Flu Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.
The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Friday, May 22nd, 2009. The winner will be notified via e-mail and the resulting cake will be created and posted in June 2009.
When the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.