Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake*

Bearing in mind how lazy the poor are, with their “I lost my job-this” and “the bank foreclosed on my trailer-that,” the indigence of Motor City is sure to infect the entire civilized world one zip code at a time. And if you doubt that the decomposing asbestos-crypt of Detroit is a bellwether for the rest of the world, wait ‘till you run into an ex-GM employee with his attendant eye crusties lurching down your street pushing an aluminum-can-filled K-Mart cart. Better go in with your neighborhood association ladies and pick up the ingredients for a Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake now before the homeless seize control of your sub-development and start using your taxes for Wonder Bread and MD 20/20.

* This is actually a “stollen” but that seemed too fancy.

 1 orange rind, grated
1/2 c. cut dates
1/4 c. candied fruit
1/2 c. seedless raisins
1 c. shortening
1 1/4 tsp. salt
2 eggs
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. milk, lukewarm
4 c. flour
2 pkgs. yeast
1 tsp. sugar
1/2 c. warm water

Combine yeast, 1 tsp. sugar and warm water. Cream shortening, sugar and eggs. Add yeast mixture. Add milk and flour alternately, beating well with each addition. Lightly flour fruits and knead into dough. Transfer to large greased bowl, cover and place in refrigerator overnight. Next day, divide dough in half, roll each on floured board into a rectangle 3/4 inch thick. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle with brown sugar and chopped nuts. Fold one long edge into center and then fold other side over this, overlapping by about 2″. Place on ungreased shallow pan or cookie sheet (cover with cloth) and allow to rise 2 hrs. Bake 30-40 min. at 350 degrees. When cool, ice with white frosting and eat before pestilence overtakes your community.


Filed under New World Orders

5 responses to “Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake*

  1. Annie

    You are such an artist … from the cake to the setting … your writing. What’s not to love ~

  2. Dez

    As a foodie and as someone that has no problems with modern art I can appreciate the picture and the cake. As a Detroiter, all I can think to say is I hope you choke on it.

    • Anon in the City

      As a fellow resident of Detroit, I agree with your sentiments, Dez..

      Dear Apocalypse Baker:
      Just because a lot of us are having a hard time doesn’t make us lazy.
      Way to kick a city when it’s down. Unbeknownst to you, we kick back hard. With steel-toed boots.

  3. Marie

    So this is basically the same thing as a fruitcake. Or maybe it’s the other way around! Maybe fruitcakes evolved from throwing a bunch of holiday leftovers in a loaf cake pan and hoping for the best. Actually, I love fruitcake, though I realize it’s an acquired taste. Anyway, excellent concept!

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