Global Jihad Date Cake

Apocalypse Cakes: Jihad BurquaConsidering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.

Apocalypse Cakes: Global Jihad Date Cake


30 medjool dates
3/4 cup milk

3/4 cup sugar

1 cup all-purpose flour or maida 

1/2 cup oil

1 tea spn baking soda

½ cup walnuts

The day before you want to bake, soak 18 dates in warm milk overnight. The next day, remove the seeds and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. With the dates still in the milk, use a fork to grind them into a smooth paste. Add oil and mix. Sieve together flour and baking soda. Add the flour, one tablespoon at a time, and mix slowly. Bake the cake in a greased, oven- proof dish for 35-40 min. Sprinkle walnuts on top and adhere the remaining 12, de-seeded dates to the side of the cake.


Filed under Cults, New World Orders

23 responses to “Global Jihad Date Cake

  1. dave1r

    I get the dates are there to connote “Muslim,” That’s really great, because they really need this terrorist thing re-inforced.

  2. Nothing’s funny without a sense of humor, dave1r.

  3. Gordon Schumway

    Sounds like a nice cake. Is the texture dense?

    Ignore the screaming ninnies. You really can’t look at the things that are happening in Darfur, repeat bombings in Bali, Pan-Am 103, the extreme oppression of women living under sharia law, etc, without wondering what is up with that religion.

    As Anna in V says, “We are of peace. Always.” – be very leery and vigilant of repeated claims of being peaceful despite evidence to the contrary.

    • Margret

      Being someone who is sensitive does not make a person a ninnie. And what do you mean, “have to wonder what is up with that religion?” Do you mean to say that Islam is all about terror? You should go read a few books. This kind of flippant joke is the reason a lot of the U.S. is so degraded.

      • Nathan

        “You should go read a few books”? Try reading the Qu’ran, it’s a good place to start. Islam is a religion that explicitly calls for violence against those who don’t believe in it – the Qu’ran contains at least 109 verses calling Muslims to go to war with non-believers, and refers to Muslims who don’t do so as hypocrites. Moderate Muslims are merely Muslims who don’t act on their beliefs. But no, Islam is not all about terror; it’s also about systematic oppression of women. Nice.

        And I completely agree with the comments saying that Christianity has a lot to answer for too. In fact, any religion that claims an absolute monopoly on knowing the truth of the universe is incompatible with tolerance (and is ridiculous). Like the Qu’ran, the Bible contains some appalling sentiments (incest, slaughter of women and children, homophobia etc.). But Gordon is right to ask “what is up” with Islam in particular; a far greater number of modern Muslims nowadays still follow their primitive dogmas to the letter than do Christians. Hence the reports of so many Muslims approving of the 9/11 attacks, and of parents celebrating their children’s suicide bombings. I suspect that far fewer Christians secretly approve of, say, anti-Muslim attacks perpetrated by Christians.

        I’m all for liberalism, but not when it tries to mask the truth simply for fear of offending people’s unfounded beliefs. Stop blindly accepting what you’re told without questioning it – leave that to the religious people.

        P.S. I was just trying to look at the cakes – amazing that even a joke cake can still stir up such pious self-righteousness…

    • Amy

      “You really can’t look at the things that are happening in Darfur, repeat bombings in Bali, Pan-Am 103, the extreme oppression of women living under sharia law, etc, without wondering what is up with that religion.”

      Oh wow, can I corellate that to our oh so incredibly civilised Western world?

      School shootings, Christian rape camps, Christian polygamy, assault under marriage, raping sixteen year olds outside their schools on PROM NIGHT, anti abortion laws, firing pregnant women to avoid paying for labour leave, HEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THOSE CHRISTIANS?

      Do you need links? I can shove links up your wazoo until you bleed 😀

      • Margret

        Exactly… every religion has it’s nutcases who do things in the name of that religion. I bet a lot of people in the middle east think America and Christians in particular are aweful people because our nationalism and Christianity are so tied up together. But people should separate the crazies from the religion, unlike Gordon has in his comment. It’s funny how things like this cake show the worst in people.

      • Iamsofaking

        Go ahead and post the link for the Christian rape camps, please. I had to go to fat camp. 😦

      • Nathan

        How is firing a pregnant woman to avoid paying for labour leave anything to do with Christianity? Or raping a 16-year-old? Or do I just not know the full story in these cases? I’m not at all keen on Christianity, but were those acts actually committed in the name of Christianity or did they just happen in a country the majority of whose inhabitants are Christian? Whereas the stoning to death of teenagers who have been raped, the recent burying alive of a young girl in Turkey for talking to boys (committed by her father and uncles) and the 9/11 attacks all occurred as a direct result of Muslim beliefs. Both religions have terrible effects on the world, but don’t confuse the issue by conflating the West with Christianity.

  4. Blair

    Love your site.

    Sometimes, you’ve just got to mock the crazy or you wind up beating your head against the wall.

  5. Margret

    This is totally offensive and not coo l. It’s offensive to people whove died in the terrorist car bombings. It’s also totally wrong to look at jihad and take it out of context — the proper context of the Islamic faith, which has absolutely nothing to do with terrorism. This is all just for shock value.

  6. Margret,

    Think about this a little bit harder. Obviously “jihad” has more than one proper context if people do die in car bombings because of it. Secondly, dead people can’t be offended. They’re dead.

  7. mother superior


    Wake up and smell the poppies.

    Yum, poppy seed cakes! See now I’m hungry!

    Hey apocalysecakes, do you happen to have a recipe for poppy seed cakes?

  8. Mmmm, medjool dates.
    I am so making a gluten-free version of this.

    By the way, this is apocalypsecakes. Nothing is sacred here. If you can’t handle that I suggest you go back to bakebakebake or whatever and feed your fat faces until the pain goes away. Or you choke to death. Whatever comes first.

  9. Amy

    Well if you guys don’t mind, I shall be making a cake of the Columbine High School Massacre with little half melted oozing jello people! 😀
    Or maybe a christmas log with a car bomb attached! Have FUN!

  10. Ba-Jesus!

    -bad christian, bad!-

    People get stressy on here, don’t they?

    Either way, on religion, stfu, people are just evil, yeah?

    Atheists have their fair share of crimes too, its just as the unamed you get away with more.


    Crime is crime. c’est sera.

    Either way, I digress.

    Great site, keep it up – you should do a supervolcano cake. Or a supernova cake. Or a nuclear war cake.



  11. samizdat

    This schtick reminds me of a Second City skit (I’m really dating myself here; yeah, I’m gettin’ old). John Candy and Joe Flaherty portrayed a couple of redneck Jeebus freaks in the Farm Film Report. Now, I can’t remember any details on the various skits, but I will always remember part of their sign-off tagline (I think): “See ya’ soon, and may the Good Lord blow ya’ up real good!(KAA-BOOOM!)” Aaah, so much funny in that show.

  12. car parts these days have increased in prices but there are some online car parts seller that have cheap prices :.;

  13. cake. Or a nuclear war cake.


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