Agent Orange Carrot Cake

Agent orange over VietnamAs the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole.

Ingredients 

4 eggs
1 ¼ c. vegetable oil
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 c. grated carrots
1 c. chopped pecans

Frosting:

½ c. butter, softened
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions 

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9×13” pan. In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots, fold in pecans. Pour all into pan. Bake for 50 min. Check the weather channel for roving toxic plume. Cool in pan for 10 min., then turn out onto a wire rack and cool. 

Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla. Beat mixture until smooth and creamy. Stir in pecans. Frost cake.

7 Comments

Filed under Chemical Warfare

7 responses to “Agent Orange Carrot Cake

  1. honey261

    you think you are all funny behind your computer at the coffee shop drinking your latte with a pinky out. get a real job trust funded brat.

  2. so deceptively pretty and delightfully insidious. God speed the apocalypse!

  3. Oh my god, honey261, are you watching me? Dammit, I’m downing my latte and leaving this shithole!

    As I was about to say: somehow the idea of Apocalypse Cakes just never gets old? Mutant carrots = love, in an… imiment-death-ly sort of way.❤

  4. Kit

    Wow. Who’s the hostile commenter?

    Anyway – the cake looks delicious – and I think the mutant carrots are kind of cute – in a warped way. 🙂

  5. The VA has added some diseases to its list of diseases presumed to be caused by Agent Orange exposure: Parkinson’s disease, B cell leukemias, iischemic heart disease. If a Vietnam Vet applied for benefits based on the claim that Agent Orange caused him/her to suffer one of these diseases and was denied, there is a really good chance the claim would be approved now if they reapply. We can help: http://veterans-benefits-denial.com/.

  6. holy fuck. this website is imformative, sarcastic, dark, and delicious. fuckin’ a, yo.

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