Global Warming Hot Apple Pie

It's Fucking Hot

Good news: it’s easy to keep your pie warm when it’s 140 degrees outside. Bad news: you’re decomposing from heat-rot. Of all possible doomsday scenarios, the one in which boiling arctic matter drowns us in its rise is the most quizzical; no one knows why it’s happening or who is to blame. Maybe we’ve created more heat by exercising since George W. Bush popularized mountain biking. Or maybe, since the Frappuccino® is now available at our local corner stores, we’re consuming more milk and thus emitting more hot farts. Who can really say? No matter what the cause, we’re sure to drown in one epic sea of warm trash. So why not indulge in some global warming hot apple pie before your face melts off and your oven floats out of your house?

Global Warming Hot Apple Pie
Ingredients

Crust:
2 1/2 cups white flour
2 tbsp. sugar 
1
4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup cold butter broken into small pieces
5 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
8 tbsp. ice water

Filling:
1/3 to 2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine

 
Directions

Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together, then cut it in half. Flatten each half into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out a disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.) Roll out the second ball of dough and cover top. Use your fingers to pinch the edges together. Cut slits in the top.
Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with top crust and seal the edges. Cut slits in the top. Bake for 40 minutes — ample time to scour your house for a pool floatie.

6 Comments

Filed under Global Warming

6 responses to “Global Warming Hot Apple Pie

  1. dave1r

    If we don’t amend the recipe to include Fair Trade sugar and organic apples, those buildings will be completely underwater by 2012.

  2. Pingback: Greenhoof » Blog Archive » A recipe for delish disaster: global warming hot apple pie

  3. Michelenamia

    4 tsp. of salt?! Is that a typo?

  4. apocalypsecakes

    The salt is to prevent edema. You need to protect your health when there is warm hot trash flowing into your house.

  5. Meg

    I propose that recipes should put the instruction about turning on the oven and setting the temperature not at the beginning, but at a place where the majority of the time-consuming work has been done. That way, you don’t have a hot oven going for a lengthy time before you put anything in it.
    For the recipe above, I would put the oven instruction after “Peel, core, and slice the apples.”
    You could put the instruction in boldface to make it easy to find.

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