Do you love Christmas shopping? Do you love shopping for a Christmas that will never happen? Fantastic. Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End, is the book for you. Including 30 recipes for treats such as BP Oil Black Bottom Cake, Toxic Waste Dump Cake, Global Warming Hot Apple Pie and other delights, this diabetic tomb is available on Amazon.com until we all drown in an epic sea of warm trash.
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Tag Archives: end of the world pie
As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.
Good news: it’s easy to keep your pie warm when it’s 140 degrees outside. Bad news: you’re decomposing from heat-rot. Of all possible doomsday scenarios, the one in which boiling arctic matter drowns us in its rise is the most quizzical; no one knows why it’s happening or who is to blame. Maybe we’ve created more heat by exercising since George W. Bush popularized mountain biking. Or maybe, since the Frappuccino® is now available at our local corner stores, we’re consuming more milk and thus emitting more hot farts. Who can really say? No matter what the cause, we’re sure to drown in one epic sea of warm trash. So why not indulge in some global warming hot apple pie before your face melts off and your oven floats out of your house?
2 1/2 cups white flour
2 tbsp. sugar 1
4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup cold butter broken into small pieces
5 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
8 tbsp. ice water
1/3 to 2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together, then cut it in half. Flatten each half into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out a disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.) Roll out the second ball of dough and cover top. Use your fingers to pinch the edges together. Cut slits in the top.
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with top crust and seal the edges. Cut slits in the top. Bake for 40 minutes — ample time to scour your house for a pool floatie.