Las Vegas Woman Spews BP Oil Spill Cake Name, Wins Chocolate Endangered Species!

What better way to celebrate the Engulfed Coast than by gorging on little cream puffs bursting with artery-clogging serum? There isn’t one, and this is why we’ve oozed into the filled-pastry arena by selecting “Butaneous Profiteeroles in Drilling Disaster Sauce” as the winner of the BP Oil Spill Cake Naming Contest. And we don’t care that a profiterole isn’t a cake because profiteroles more disgusting than cakes. Ms. Gigi Generaux of Las Vegas, NV submitted the winning entry.

Congratulations Ms. Generaux!

The butaneous submission beat out other gross names such as “Smothered Turtle Pie with Dispersant Cream,” By Freddy Bowen of Philadelphia, PA, “Devil’s Crude Cake” by Shan Powell of Ontario, and over 80 others. Gigi will receive a free set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards and a chocolate endangered species mold as her prizes.

Other Honorable Mentions:

“Deep Chocolate Horizon” by Jason West of San Francisco, CA
“Gulf of FUBAR Cake” by Margie Hayes of Pensacola, FL
“Brain Pampering Impalement Arts Cake” by Juliet Cook of Valley City, OH
“Beach Party Rainbow Stain Cake” by Troy Hewitt of Aliso Viejo, CA
“Gulp of Mexico Pinata Lava Cake” by Brian Maschler of Austin, TX
“Deepwater Horizon Exploding Dark Chocolate Petro-Cake” by Kristina Felix of Austin, TX

CONTEST! Name the BP Oil Gusher Cake, Win Chocolate Wildlife!

Will you name the BP oil gusher cake? S/he who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes oil gusher dessert will get a delicious specimen of endangered chocolate wildlife, Internet fame and a set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards. To enter, follow these two easy steps:

1. E-mail your oil gusher cake title, name and mailing address to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com. One entry per person.

2. Write “Oil Gusher Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.

The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Saturday, July 31st, 2010. The winner will be notified via e-mail and announced here at Apocalypse Cakes. Want to see the evil of our previous “Name the Swine Flu Cake” contest? Check out Sharif Youssef’s winning entry here.

Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake*

Bearing in mind how lazy the poor are, with their “I lost my job-this” and “the bank foreclosed on my trailer-that,” the indigence of Motor City is sure to infect the entire civilized world one zip code at a time. And if you doubt that the decomposing asbestos-crypt of Detroit is a bellwether for the rest of the world, wait ‘till you run into an ex-GM employee with his attendant eye crusties lurching down your street pushing an aluminum-can-filled K-Mart cart. Better go in with your neighborhood association ladies and pick up the ingredients for a Detroit Holiday Clearance Cake now before the homeless seize control of your sub-development and start using your taxes for Wonder Bread and MD 20/20.

* This is actually a “stollen” but that seemed too fancy.

Ingredients
 1 orange rind, grated
1/2 c. cut dates
1/4 c. candied fruit
1/2 c. seedless raisins
1 c. shortening
1 1/4 tsp. salt
2 eggs
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. milk, lukewarm
4 c. flour
2 pkgs. yeast
1 tsp. sugar
1/2 c. warm water

Directions
Combine yeast, 1 tsp. sugar and warm water. Cream shortening, sugar and eggs. Add yeast mixture. Add milk and flour alternately, beating well with each addition. Lightly flour fruits and knead into dough. Transfer to large greased bowl, cover and place in refrigerator overnight. Next day, divide dough in half, roll each on floured board into a rectangle 3/4 inch thick. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle with brown sugar and chopped nuts. Fold one long edge into center and then fold other side over this, overlapping by about 2″. Place on ungreased shallow pan or cookie sheet (cover with cloth) and allow to rise 2 hrs. Bake 30-40 min. at 350 degrees. When cool, ice with white frosting and eat before pestilence overtakes your community.

Get Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards on Etsy

Click on the image to go to the Apocalypse Cakes Etsy store.




If you’re in Austin, you can also get them at Domy Books.

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake

If 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

Get Your Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards in Time for the Holidays

Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards are now on sale! Get yours now before all your friends get sucked up by god’s Christmas rapture vacuum and you’re left behind in a pool of radioactive roaches and curdled egg nog.

Buy your set now at Domy Books: 913 E. Ceasar Chavez, Austin, TX 78702.

OR, tell us you want some and we’ll see what we can do. Write to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com

Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest Winner Selected!

Since the announcement of Apocalypse Cakes’ Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest, the zeal and squeal for pig-infected death cakes (and pies) has been high. In May we received lots of exciting entries, some of which included: “The Grunt Bundt” by Shantell Powell of Ontario, Canada; “You Wreak What You Sow Cake” by Robi Polgar of Austin, TX, U.S.A.; “Porky’s Revenge” by Ged of Lancashire, U.K.; “Feverish Chocolate Pandemonium Cake” by Mary Ellen O’Lynch of Saugus, MA, U.S.A. and “Dying to Pig Out Cake” by Denise Schlaeger of Cusseta, GA, U.S.A. Thanks to everyone who entered.

Undoubtedly, though, one winning name shines above the rest, and it is the entry that most astutely underscores the terrifying-yet-now-boring-and-innocuous pig infection crisis of our times: Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie by Sharif Youssef of Chicago. Congratulations to Sharif! As per our contest’s terms and conditions, we will post a photo of the first Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie to Apocalypse Cakes next Monday, June 15. Here’s a photo of Sharif enjoying his his bacon-accented chocolate pig prize!

Author of “Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie,” Sharif Youssef, with his prize pig.

Bird Flu Feather Cake

When the media started squawking about bird flu in ’06 we resolved to wear clothes when writhing in pigeon droppings. We also began to boil our chicken blood before drinking it. But all the precautions in the world haven’t stopped this free spirited virus from pecking through the species barrier to nest inside the human host. The disease has most recently infected toddlers in Egypt and Indonesia, and authorities say the virus is on its way to a First World turkey dinner at your house. Why not whip up this globally popular dessert before your lungs collapse?

Ingredients
1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs (Try eggs from Canada. Canada is safe.)
2 c. sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. soda
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk or sour milk

Directions
Cream together butter and shortening; gradually add sugar, creaming until light. Add vanilla, then eggs one at a time, beating well after each. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating after each addition. Pour into greased and lightly floured 13″x9″x2″ pan. Bake in moderate oven, 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Decorate in homage to the virus.

Fallen Angel Food Cake

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear¹, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously²? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.

¹ This counts.
2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?

Ingredients
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup cake flour, sifted
12 egg whites
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
Any 1 indiscretion represented tactlessly.

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a food processor spin sugar for a few minutes until it is fine. Sift half of the sugar with the salt the cake flour, leaving the rest of the sugar for later.

In a bowl, whisk together egg whites, water, orange extract, and cream of tartar. After 2 minutes, switch to a hand mixer. Slowly sift the reserved sugar, beating at medium speed. Once you see peaks, sift enough of the flour mixture in to dust the top of the foam. Use a spatula to fold in until all of the flour mixture is incorporated.

Then, spoon mixture into an ungreased tube pan. Bake for 35 minutes before checking with a fork. Cool upside down on cooling rack for at least an hour before removing from pan. Create tactless representation of your daring life of iniquity.

 

Resurrection Day Self-Rising Chocolate Cake

It’s Easter time and that means dead folks are crawling out of caves and graves and all the other cubbies to which people skulk off and die. Now, if Jesus can come back all luminous and GQ after a being nailed to a cross, what’s stopping trillions of other corpses from clawing themselves out of maggotry to visit retribution upon us all? Like Jesus, these other judgmental, pulse-envy second-chancers will be reviewing our lifestyles for infractions such as Buddhism and cross-dressing, so eat your Easter Peep-laden cakes now before these decomposed finger-pointers overtake our world with the stench of moral rectitude.

Ingredients

1 stick of butter

1 c. sugar

4 eggs

1 c. self-rising flour

16 oz. can chocolate syrup

1 tsp. vanilla

1 c. chopped nuts

4 oz. jar marshmallows

 

Directions

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Blend in flour and chocolate syrup. Add vanilla and nuts. Bake in greased and floured 10 x 15 x 2 inch pan at 350 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes and leave in pan. While still warm, spread marshmallow cream. Spread with frosting immediately. 15 to 24 servings.