Global Jihad Date Cake

Considering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.

Ingredients
30 medjool dates
3/4 cup milk

3/4 cup sugar

1 cup all-purpose flour or maida 

1/2 cup oil

1 tea spn baking soda

½ cup walnuts

Directions
The day before you want to bake, soak 18 dates in warm milk overnight. The next day, remove the seeds and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. With the dates still in the milk, use a fork to grind them into a smooth paste. Add oil and mix. Sieve together flour and baking soda. Add the flour, one tablespoon at a time, and mix slowly. Bake the cake in a greased, oven- proof dish for 35-40 min. Sprinkle walnuts on top and adhere the remaining 12, de-seeded dates to the side of the cake.

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake

If 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

Branch Davidian Texas Pecan Pie

Considering all of the illiterate rural prophets coming to power and building compounds with their legions of 13 year-old-wives, our world is sure to burn down in one 51-day, continuously CNN-covered siege.¹ Biblical prophecies of final divine judgment are coming to pass, as the 1993 barrage of Waco’s Branch Davidian compound shows us. So grab an AK-47 and a cup and a half  of butter-drizzled pecans and get to firing up some pies.

¹ While the CNN coverage did not feature burning crosses, this flaming (and delicious!) crucifix is undoubtedly the symbol for southern Christian cult pie zeal.

 

Ingredients
2 eggs, slightly beaten
1 cup light corn syrup
¼ cup sugar
2 tablespoons of flour
¼ teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups of broken Texas pecans
An eyelash from a teen mother
3 cinnamon sticks
Some twisty ties
Cooking oil

Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spread the Texas pecans in an unbaked 9-inch pie shell. Mix the remaining ingredients and pour over pecans. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 minutes or until filling is set. Then take it out and let it cool. When you’re ready to serve it, bind the cinnamon sticks together with twisty ties to fashion a rustic looking cross. Douse the cross in cooking oil, stick it in the pie, and set it on fire.