President Santorum Frothy Chocolate Cream Pie

As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.

delish

Ingredients
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed

Directions
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.

20 Comments

Filed under Judgment, New World Orders

20 responses to “President Santorum Frothy Chocolate Cream Pie

  1. Gene

    this is an insulting to people who actually care about our morals. don’t laugh now when you are the one who doesn’t go to heaven!!!

    • Oz

      Wait, I’m confused Gene. So… I should not laugh NOW. So you’re saying I should laugh later, when I don’t go to heaven?

      Or are you saying I’m going to heaven now (your use of “when” is ambiguous), and thus I shouldn’t laugh? I agree with that: if I were going to heaven now, I’d be to busy combing my hair and, um, putting on a clean pair of jeans. Jeez! I hope they’d give me time for that! Or do you mean “now” like… RIGHT now? OMG! I’d better change into something nice.

      • Oz

        Wait, I’m confused, Gene. So… I should not laugh NOW. So you’re saying I should laugh later, when I don’t go to heaven?

        Or are you saying I’m going to heaven now (your use of “when” is ambiguous), and thus I shouldn’t laugh? I agree with that: if I were going to heaven now, I’d be too busy combing my hair and, um, putting on a clean pair of jeans. Jeez! I hope they’d give me time for that! Or do you mean “now” like… RIGHT now? OMG! I’d better change into something nice.

  2. Brianna

    I LOVE this. :) Thanks for sharing.

  3. Brianna

    Gene, have some food for thought: some of us don’t want to go to heaven if it’s full of people like Santorum (and, evidently, you).

  4. Gene

    Brianna you are probably a lesbian who doesn’t even care about families so you won’t be in heaven with me and others who, unlike you are sinning nonstop!

  5. Alycia

    DISGUSTING!

  6. Robyn

    I-I may have to try that recipe.

  7. Emily

    You know, if this was just a chocolate pie I would probably try making it. But naming it Santorum is a total dealbreaker. Ick. I totally LOL’d though. And I’m still LOLing at Gene who apparently has no sense of humor. Perhaps I’ll see you in Hell. I have beach chairs reserved by the Lake of Fire, so look me up when you get there!

  8. Brianna

    LOL I’m married and have three children. I would rather my entire family go to hell than spend an eternity with people who can’t read and comprehend the book they claim to follow.

  9. Gene

    Emily and Brianna sitting by the tree. K I S S I N G. Nasty!
    Just wait til he wins and you will have to support your government. Hell is only funny when you are not there, remember that.

    • Better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven; I always say. It probably won’t be any funnier in heaven, we know Yahweh has no sense of humour. Unless he really did create the platypus. But that seems like it’d be a crime against himself, so that’s probably the result of some man on dog on duck on beaver on lizard action. Bestial orgies are so Old Testament though…

      • Gene

        You are not funny as you think you are. “Throw not the rock of redemption on his followers” is a verse from Ephesians that I have for you. It will be funny when you are serving us in Heaven from Hell. I’m not afraid.

      • Don’t worry Gene, I’ve got older gods than Yahweh at my back. I certainly am not asking you to be afraid; but you could be less of a bigot and that might be nice.

  10. LMAO because I’ve loved seeing “Santorum” and “froth” in the same heading since Dan Savage coined the term.

  11. Reblogged this on Martian Brothel and commented:
    Possibly the only thing on their blog I DON’T WANT TO EAT.

  12. Neologism Pie sounds delicious. Santorum is one of those jokes that a lot of people tell; but everyone has stopped laughing at. Its the line where it stops being funny to laugh at someone who is painfully ignorant and bigoted and simply becomes sad and a little bit scary that so many Americans would be willing to follow a man like Rick. A wee bit of reading for those whose morals include logic, reason and loving women: http://unnecessarywords.com/2012/03/02/right-wing-misogyny/

  13. Is Gene being sarcastic?

    “Brianna you are probably a lesbian who doesn’t even care about families so you won’t be in heaven with me and others who, unlike you are sinning nonstop!”

    You realize you just told Brianna that you and others in heaven are sinning nonstop, while Brianna apparently isn’t…. right?

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