Want Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards but live in God’s D-listed, east Texas rapture pick-up stop? Visit Domy Books in Houston and get your End Times recipes today!
OR, get your set online here.
October 7, 2009
Get Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards on Etsy
Click on the image to go to the Apocalypse Cakes Etsy store.
If you’re in Austin, you can also get them at Domy Books.
September 21, 2009
Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake
If 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide.
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.
September 16, 2009
Get Your Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards in Time for the Holidays
Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards are now on sale! Get yours now before all your friends get sucked up by god’s Christmas rapture vacuum and you’re left behind in a pool of radioactive roaches and curdled egg nog.
Buy your set now at Domy Books: 913 E. Ceasar Chavez, Austin, TX 78702.
OR, tell us you want some and we’ll see what we can do. Write to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com
August 10, 2009
Agent Orange Carrot Cake
As the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole.
Ingredients
4 eggs
1 ¼ c. vegetable oil
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 c. grated carrots
1 c. chopped pecans
Frosting:
½ c. butter, softened
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans
Directions
Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9×13” pan. In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots, fold in pecans. Pour all into pan. Bake for 50 min. Check the weather channel for roving toxic plume. Cool in pan for 10 min., then turn out onto a wire rack and cool.
Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla. Beat mixture until smooth and creamy. Stir in pecans. Frost cake.
July 18, 2009
China World Domination Red Bean Cakes
Every westerner knows that once China takes over, the Chinese Liberation Army will yank little Suzy out of her 1st grade English class in Ohio Province and force her to work in the fireworks/semiconductor factory. The apocalypse will be even clearer when the new U.S. (PRC) Ministry of Labor sells Suzy to slave traffickers and tells her parents that she wasn’t productive enough. The Ministry will even argue that with our newly imposed one-child policy, Suzy is just lucky to be alive. Either way, the yuan is up and China’s global supremacy is near. Celebrate your freedom today and cook up some of these tasty and delightfully uniform China world domination red bean cakes.
Ingredients
1 ¾ cups glutinous rice flour
4 tablespoons rice flour
4 tablespoons wheat starch
2 tablespoons custard powder
½ cup instant coconut powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
5 large eggs
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups 2% milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
¾ cup red bean paste
Directions
Sift all dry ingredients together. In another bowl, beat egg with sugar until mixture is smooth. Add in oil, water, milk and vanilla extract and mix. Then add wet ingredients into dry mixture and whisk, adding melted butter. Pour ¼ cup of batter into each slot of a greased and floured muffin tin, bake at 3500 for 10 min. When done, take out and place large spoonfuls of red bean paste over cake. Top with ¼ cup of cake batter, put back in the oven for 40 min — all the time you need to open a Swiss bank account.
June 14, 2009
Leviticus’ “I Told You So” Aporkalypse Pie
God warned you not to eat swine flesh, and look where all those bacon tacos have gotten you. In an age of fatty foods, when people feed chickens chicken and then fry the chicken in hair spray, we willfully court sin and clogged arteries. We’ve finally gotten our hands on Leviticus’s mom’s “I Told You So” AporkaIypse Bacon and Apple Pie recipe just in time to tempt you during another animal pandemic. And while Matthew implores us not to throw our pearls before swine, here at Apocalypse Cakes we prefer to fry our swine and eat our pearls, too, which is why we’ve added dollops of whipped heavy cream to an already deathly dish.
Ingredients
Topping:
1 granny smith apple, decoratively chopped
1 syringe of H1NI vaccine
1 can whipped cream
1 pack uppity bacon
Crust:
1 1/4 cups white flour
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. salt
1/4 cup cold butter
broken into small pieces
2 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
4 tbsp. ice water
Filling:
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine
Directions
Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together. Flatten into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out the disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.)
Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples, saving some for the decorative topping. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with raw latticed bacon. Bake for 40 minutes; check the World Health Organization site to see how much time you have before the swine flu reaches your house and you start vomiting pig blood.
[Title and introduction by Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest winner, images and recipe by Apocalypse Cakes.]
June 10, 2009
Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest Winner Selected!
Since the announcement of Apocalypse Cakes’ Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest, the zeal and squeal for pig-infected death cakes (and pies) has been high. In May we received lots of exciting entries, some of which included: “The Grunt Bundt” by Shantell Powell of Ontario, Canada; “You Wreak What You Sow Cake” by Robi Polgar of Austin, TX, U.S.A.; “Porky’s Revenge” by Ged of Lancashire, U.K.; “Feverish Chocolate Pandemonium Cake” by Mary Ellen O’Lynch of Saugus, MA, U.S.A. and “Dying to Pig Out Cake” by Denise Schlaeger of Cusseta, GA, U.S.A. Thanks to everyone who entered.
Undoubtedly, though, one winning name shines above the rest, and it is the entry that most astutely underscores the terrifying-yet-now-boring-and-innocuous pig infection crisis of our times: Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie by Sharif Youssef of Chicago. Congratulations to Sharif! As per our contest’s terms and conditions, we will post a photo of the first Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie to Apocalypse Cakes next Monday, June 15. Here’s a photo of Sharif enjoying his his bacon-accented chocolate pig prize!
Author of “Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie,” Sharif Youssef, with his prize pig.
May 28, 2009
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May 28, 2009
Global Warming Hot Apple Pie
Good news: it’s easy to keep your pie warm when it’s 140 degrees outside. Bad news: you’re decomposing from heat-rot. Of all possible doomsday scenarios, the one in which boiling arctic matter drowns us in its rise is the most quizzical; no one knows why it’s happening or who is to blame. Maybe we’ve created more heat by exercising since George W. Bush popularized mountain biking. Or maybe, since the Frappuccino® is now available at our local corner stores, we’re consuming more milk and thus emitting more hot farts. Who can really say? No matter what the cause, we’re sure to drown in one epic sea of warm trash. So why not indulge in some global warming hot apple pie before your face melts off and your oven floats out of your house?
Ingredients
Crust:
2 1/2 cups white flour
2 tbsp. sugar
1
4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup cold butter broken into small pieces
5 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening
8 tbsp. ice water
Filling:
1/3 to 2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch of salt
8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine
Directions
Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together, then cut it in half. Flatten each half into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out a disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.) Roll out the second ball of dough and cover top. Use your fingers to pinch the edges together. Cut slits in the top.
Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with top crust and seal the edges. Cut slits in the top. Bake for 40 minutes — ample time to scour your house for a pool floatie.
