Global Jihad Date Cake

Considering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.

Ingredients
30 medjool dates
3/4 cup milk

3/4 cup sugar

1 cup all-purpose flour or maida 

1/2 cup oil

1 tea spn baking soda

½ cup walnuts

Directions
The day before you want to bake, soak 18 dates in warm milk overnight. The next day, remove the seeds and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. With the dates still in the milk, use a fork to grind them into a smooth paste. Add oil and mix. Sieve together flour and baking soda. Add the flour, one tablespoon at a time, and mix slowly. Bake the cake in a greased, oven- proof dish for 35-40 min. Sprinkle walnuts on top and adhere the remaining 12, de-seeded dates to the side of the cake.

Get Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards in Houston

Want Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards but live in God’s D-listed, east Texas rapture pick-up stop? Visit Domy Books in Houston and get your End Times recipes today!

OR, get your set online here.

Get Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards on Etsy

Click on the image to go to the Apocalypse Cakes Etsy store.




If you’re in Austin, you can also get them at Domy Books.

Jonestown Kool-Aid Cake

If 1978’s capitalist America could drive 900 people to follow Jim Jones to his Guyanese socialist compound to grow vegetables and commit revolutionary suicide, 2010’s emigration should be epic. When Microsoft and Pfizer’s merger produces a Zoloft-enabled Bluetooth headset to keep you connected to your company’s server 24 hours a day, you won’t have time for communist pastimes such as sleep and masturbation. Better indulge in this tangy grape Kool-Aid cake now before you lose your shit, move to Jonestown and gag over the vat of grape flavored cyanide. 

 
Ingredients
1 pack of grape Kool-Aid
1 box of cake mix
1 1/3 cups of water
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 and think about how you’re going to keep it together tomorrow at work. Grease pan with shortening and flour lightly. Blend dry mix, water, oil, Kool-Aid and eggs in large bowl at low speed until moistened. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes and pour batter in pans. Bake for 32-35 minutes in one 13” x 9” pan. Cool completely before frosting.

Get Your Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards in Time for the Holidays

Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards are now on sale! Get yours now before all your friends get sucked up by god’s Christmas rapture vacuum and you’re left behind in a pool of radioactive roaches and curdled egg nog.

Buy your set now at Domy Books: 913 E. Ceasar Chavez, Austin, TX 78702.

OR, tell us you want some and we’ll see what we can do. Write to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com

Agent Orange Carrot Cake

As the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole. 

 

 

Ingredients 

4 eggs
1 ¼ c. vegetable oil
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3 c. grated carrots
1 c. chopped pecans

Frosting:

½ c. butter, softened
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans

Directions 

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9×13” pan. In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots, fold in pecans. Pour all into pan. Bake for 50 min. Check the weather channel for roving toxic plume. Cool in pan for 10 min., then turn out onto a wire rack and cool. 

Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla. Beat mixture until smooth and creamy. Stir in pecans. Frost cake.

China World Domination Red Bean Cakes

Every westerner knows that once China takes over, the Chinese Liberation Army will yank little Suzy out of her 1st grade English class in Ohio Province and force her to work in the fireworks/semiconductor factory. The apocalypse will be even clearer when the new U.S. (PRC) Ministry of Labor sells Suzy to slave traffickers and tells her parents that she wasn’t productive enough. The Ministry will even argue that with our newly imposed one-child policy, Suzy is just lucky to be alive. Either way, the yuan is up and China’s global supremacy is near. Celebrate your freedom today and cook up some of these tasty and delightfully uniform China world domination red bean cakes.

Ingredients
1 ¾ cups glutinous rice flour
4 tablespoons rice flour
4 tablespoons wheat starch
2 tablespoons custard powder
½ cup instant coconut powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
5 large eggs
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups 2% milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
¾ cup red bean paste

Directions
Sift all dry ingredients together. In another bowl, beat egg with sugar until mixture is smooth. Add in oil, water, milk and vanilla extract and mix. Then add wet ingredients into dry mixture and whisk, adding melted butter. Pour ¼ cup of batter into each slot of a greased and floured muffin tin, bake at 350⁰ for 10 min. When done, take out and place  large spoonfuls of red bean paste over cake. Top with ¼ cup of cake batter, put back in the oven for 40 min — all the time you need to open a Swiss bank account.

Leviticus’ “I Told You So” Aporkalypse Pie

God warned you not to eat swine flesh, and look where all those bacon tacos have gotten you. In an age of fatty foods, when people feed chickens chicken and then fry the chicken in hair spray, we willfully court sin and clogged arteries. We’ve finally gotten our hands on Leviticus’s mom’s “I Told You So” AporkaIypse Bacon and Apple Pie recipe just in time to tempt you during another animal pandemic. And while Matthew implores us not to throw our pearls before swine, here at Apocalypse Cakes we prefer to fry our swine and eat our pearls, too, which is why we’ve added dollops of whipped heavy cream to an already deathly dish.

Ingredients
Topping:
1 granny smith apple, decoratively chopped
1 syringe of H1NI vaccine
1 can whipped cream
1 pack uppity bacon

Crust:
1 1/4 cups white flour 

1 tbsp. sugar 

2 tsp. salt 

1/4 cup cold butter
broken into small pieces 

2 tbsp. cold vegetable shortening 

4 tbsp. ice water

Filling:
1/3 cup sugar 

1/4 cup all-purpose flour 

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 

Pinch of salt 

8 medium sized apples
2 tablespoons margarine

Directions
Crust:
Measure the flour, sugar and salt together and combine. Add the chilled butter pieces (cut them with a knife) and shortening to the bowl, but don’t over mix. Add the ice water. Mix until the dough holds together (add a more water if you need to.) Put the dough on a lightly floured surface, knead it together. Flatten into a disk, wrap in saran wrap and chill for 30 min. Roll out the disk on a floured surface until it’s about 12 inches in diameter. Put the circle in a 9″ pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges. Return it to the refrigerator until you’re ready to make the pie. Add filling (see below.)

Filling:
Heat oven to 425 degrees. Peel, core and slice the apples, saving some for the decorative topping. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Stir in apples. Pour into pastry-lined pie plate. Dot with margarine. Cover with raw latticed bacon. Bake for 40 minutes; check the World Health Organization site to see how much time you have before the swine flu reaches your house and you start vomiting pig blood.


[Title and introduction by Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest winner, images and recipe by Apocalypse Cakes.]

Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest Winner Selected!

Since the announcement of Apocalypse Cakes’ Swine Flu Cake Naming Contest, the zeal and squeal for pig-infected death cakes (and pies) has been high. In May we received lots of exciting entries, some of which included: “The Grunt Bundt” by Shantell Powell of Ontario, Canada; “You Wreak What You Sow Cake” by Robi Polgar of Austin, TX, U.S.A.; “Porky’s Revenge” by Ged of Lancashire, U.K.; “Feverish Chocolate Pandemonium Cake” by Mary Ellen O’Lynch of Saugus, MA, U.S.A. and “Dying to Pig Out Cake” by Denise Schlaeger of Cusseta, GA, U.S.A. Thanks to everyone who entered.

Undoubtedly, though, one winning name shines above the rest, and it is the entry that most astutely underscores the terrifying-yet-now-boring-and-innocuous pig infection crisis of our times: Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie by Sharif Youssef of Chicago. Congratulations to Sharif! As per our contest’s terms and conditions, we will post a photo of the first Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie to Apocalypse Cakes next Monday, June 15. Here’s a photo of Sharif enjoying his his bacon-accented chocolate pig prize!

Author of “Leviticus’ ‘I Told You So’ Aporkalypse Pie,” Sharif Youssef, with his prize pig.

Share Your Apocalyptic Pride with Your Friends!

Become a fan of Apocalypse Cakes on Facebook.

Want help compensating for your empty life with a robust online personality? Get your Apocalypse Cakes Facebook badge and slap it on your profile! Click here to become a fan of Apocalypse Cakes today.